Thinking becoming a mum would be a wonderful experience, I was so excited getting everything I needed together to become a mum, and counting down the days to my maternity leave and due date.
Among the busy days of excitement, challenges happened too: the stress of trying to sell our 2 bedroom flat and buy a house, my husband getting stressed and smashing plates if there was a dirty cup in the sink or something not in the "right place". I put his behaviour down to the stress of becoming a parent or moving house.
Finally the big day arrived and our daughter was born. But the birth was extremely traumatic. The labour was long and the baby got stuck. When my baby finally arrived, that "sudden rush of love" didn't happen.
I felt like such a failure.
Struggles After Birth
We were in hospital several days and I tried breastfeeding, but a doctor ordered me to stop as I was on epilepsy medication. His comments left me panicking that I'd poisoned my baby. I urged them to contact my neurologist who told me I was on a safe medication. But I was pressured to bottle feed my baby.
The months that followed was a rollercoaster. We moved into our house when the baby was 6 weeks old. She cried so much and my husband's challenging behaviour continued too.
Then I had to go back to work, but they couldn't cope with my mental health issues. Binging and exercising was my only coping mechanism. My eating disorder was taking a grip on me after many years of yoyo dieting since my early teens.
Reaching Breaking Point
When my baby was 8 months old, I hit breaking point. I tried to end my life as a voice was urging me, saying I was worthless and should jump under the bus outside. But suddenly a sign urged me to look at the paper open on the table. I saw an article about postnatal depression and the charity, Mothers for Mothers.
I hope to share my story to let as many people as possible know they are not alone.
I cried on the helpline number for an hour and the lady urged me to come to their support group at a local church with my baby. They were amazing. I got the support I needed and met mums who had been there.
Finding Support and Healing
I got help for my eating disorder, my borderline personality disorder (BPD) and to get to a safer place. For the first time in months, I felt that I was being understood and that there was a path forward. The small steps I took at these support groups slowly helped me rebuild confidence and begin to trust in my role as a mother again.
The compassion I received from others who had lived through similar struggles was life-changing. Their openness and the safe space I found there reminded me that recovery was possible and that I wasn't defined by my lowest moments. My healing journey became not just about survival, but about growth.
It was through this network that I learned how to manage my challenges with healthier coping strategies, and gradually I felt less isolated. I realised that what I had gone through was not uncommon, and that sharing openly could help break the silence surrounding postnatal depression and maternal mental health struggles.
A New Purpose in Life
I'm feeling brighter now, using my challenges to help others by fundraising for epilepsy and mental health charities which are close to my heart. I donate mental health packs along with my book, as I hope to make it accessible to every teenager and everyone else it could help.
I hope to share my story to let as many people as possible know they are not alone and that there are charities out there to help them. What once felt like unbearable weight has become a driving force for me to support others and spread awareness. My journey reminds me every day that hope, connection, and compassion can change lives.