After experiencing many cycles of mood symptoms throughout my high school years, I found myself desperately seeking an explanation for my highs and lows. After another severe depression, I was in a hospital, facing the fourth psychiatrist in a string of misdiagnoses and false promises.
I was ready to give up my battle to find a doctor who would take my symptoms seriously. I needed someone to treat me from the inside out, heal me, and help me find my way back to myself again. I needed new medications.… I needed a lot of things.
I Knew I Had Bipolar Disorder
I always knew I had bipolar disorder. I knew that my moods fluctuated in a way that didn't seem “normal” and that I experienced things that didn't always make sense. But even though my real diagnosis seemed so apparent to me, I couldn't get these psychiatrists to consider my mood symptoms fully. Dr. H was the doctor assigned to me when I was admitted to the hospital for my mood episode, and when I first met him, I had high hopes.
I hoped that he would be the one to consider everything and prescribe me some mood-stabilizing medication that would stop my unraveling. But Dr. H wasn't sure my self-diagnosis was accurate: Maybe I had spent too much time reading about other people's mood swings on the Internet. But, through each mood episode, I became certain I was dealing with bipolar disorder.
Hospitalized for My Mood Episode
On the first day of my hospitalization, I followed Dr. H into a consultation room and spilled my guts about the bare bones of my mood swings. He shuffled some papers, leaned forward a little bit, and asked me if I had ever been “manic” or “psychotic” before. These terms were clinical and scary to me, especially as a high school sophomore.
I didn't know if I should deny those questions or ask him to explain himself further and describe what he meant by “manic” and “psychotic.” I wanted to be appropriately diagnosed, but the idea of mania still scared me. I wasn't sure if there was a difference between mania and feeling high or elated.
Misdiagnosed, Again
Ultimately, he brushed off most of my concerns and prescribed something for my anxiety. I returned to swallowing antidepressant medications that may have only worsened my condition.
I just couldn't put my suffering into words that this doctor could translate into the “right” diagnosis. When it came down to it, I didn't “speak bipolar.”
Even with all my research, I didn't know what bipolar disorder and all its symptoms meant to me. In part, this is because although there are some broad similarities in our symptoms, everyone with bipolar illness experiences their own symptoms differently, in their own way.
Living With Bipolar vs. Communicating About It
I had lived a bipolar existence for as long as I could remember. I had trouble getting through the day at school and stayed home when I could. But this wasn't enough for Dr. H to prescribe a mood-stabilizing medication. Because I couldn't talk to my doctor and help him understand what I was experiencing, it was harder for him to give me the most accurate diagnosis.
I didn't receive the correct diagnosis until around the time I was posing for my senior picture at the very end of high school. By then, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Learning the Lingo to Obtain a Correct Diagnosis
Then I thought: What if I changed how I talked to the professionals treating my mood disorder? Could I find a way to make them understand what I was going through? I read many books and visited many websites about bipolar disorder, and I became more confident that I was dealing with this illness.
In time, I knew the lingo as well as anyone could. I learned that when I can't sleep, eat, or focus on anything, I need to reach out to my psychiatrist. Bipolar had altered my life, but I learned different and better ways to communicate with my doctors so they could help me attack an episode from its onset. The more I learned about my illness and recognized the symptoms simmering within me, the better I could help my psychiatrist help me.
Helping My Treatment Team Manage Bipolar Mood Episodes
Since my diagnosis many years ago, I have improved at talking to my doctor so he can listen. My doctor is irreplaceable, but he can't help me unless we speak the same language. Here's what I've learned:
- Be self-aware. The best thing I can do to help myself is always to be fully aware of my experiences and how the treatments make things better or worse. I need to communicate whether a new medication quiets my symptoms and whether it has caused side effects. I need to monitor those best to help my doctor care for me. This requires, of course, being aware of how side effects like tremors and weight gain affect my life and balancing side effects against the effectiveness of the medication itself.
- My doctor is a person. I have also come to realize that my doctor is a person, above all else. Even if he wants to minimize the damage bipolar (and its medications) inflict upon my life, I have to work right along with him. I need to keep devouring information on bipolar disorder and how other people manage it most effectively.
- My psychiatrist is a partner in my care. He is not simply throwing pills at me, hoping that something will stick. Bipolar symptoms and medications can be complex and even overwhelming at times. But I owe it to educate myself on how to best cope in many situations.
How You Can ‘Speak Bipolar' and Help Your Doctors
1. Keep a Mood Chart
Almost every doctor I've ever worked with has suggested this. It helps to be aware of patterns in your mood, sleep, and life events to make sense of your bipolar mood symptoms when you talk to your doctor. There are often patterns between life events or lifestyle changes and a change in symptoms.
Once you recognize those patterns, you can sometimes stop a manic or depressive episode by recognizing the way in your mood chart and taking appropriate action. Just thinking about your feelings will make it easier for you to explain this to your doctor. Plus, you can walk into your appointments with everything you have experienced on paper.
2. Know the Vocabulary of Mood Swings
Read everything you can about bipolar disorder so that when you are describing manic or depressive symptoms, you and your doctor will be speaking the same language. You don't want your doctor to interpret or translate your experiences from casual to clinical language. Because a lot can get lost in translation, this helps your team to make better sense of what you are going through.
3. Track How Medications Affect You
If you are taking medications, it is essential to know about the potential side effects so you can reach out to your doctor if something doesn't feel right. It also helps to understand how you should expect to feel when the medications kick in and how long that typically takes.
4. Know Your Own Bipolar Story
One doctor had me make a life chart where I diagrammed every major mood episode and the things happening in my life then. This is a bigger and more comprehensive version of the mood chart. It's even better to know which medications you were taking (if any) and if you were hospitalized for a mood episode.
By offering such a wealth of evidence of your lived experience, you validate your own personal history and experience and have a straightforward document that allows your treatment team to pinpoint important details, identify trends, and more rapidly recognize symptoms. All of this makes it more likely that you will be appropriately diagnosed sooner rather than later.