My brain has an extra groove when I'm depressed. This mood swing opens a channel where music and conversations are recorded and played back — over and over and over again. I then fly back to my past and dwell on what went wrong and feel incredible sadness.
One of my depressive episodes happened while I was revisiting the original Broadway cast recording of Evita with Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin. I'm not saying this caused my depression (ha-ha), but it was in my ears when the downswing hit.
One line from one song got stuck in my head: “It doesn't matter what the morons say….” Then it started to loop. I heard bits of the music, then the words, then the music, then the words …
Looping Music Triggers Nostalgia-Fueled Depression
As the depression progressed, my brain took me back to my failed relationship with my first husband, which ended due to my bipolar disorder. Usually, when I think of this wonderful man, it's with a tinge of sadness, but nothing overwhelming. Yet when I'm depressed, it's a fresh wound.
Then, my out-of-whack, depressed brain took me back to my first boyfriend, whom I met when I was 19. At the time, I was manic — and then was dumped for being too emotional and young. This was the start of my first serious depression. I looked up his picture on the internet. What a mess.
Why am I telling you this? Because I do not have these thoughts, nor do I dwell on the past, when I'm stable. Music isn't on a constant loop in my head, and I don't cry all the time. These are depression symptoms.
If I let myself get too into the music or thoughts, I will lose my mind, so to speak, and the depression will take hold of my life as it did in the past.
Bipolar Depression and My Obsession With Sad Music
Music is always a part of my depression — I hear the notes differently when depressed. All of the minor keys stick out, and I find myself thinking of sad movies, like Brokeback Mountain, and the music that accompanied the tragic scenes.
It's obsessive, and I hate it. So I fight it.
I know my depression very well. It has been my companion for decades. It's not a friend. Maybe it's a teacher, but it's not allowed to stick around.
Sometimes it's so severe that I feel buried in mud.
But this is not a depressing post. This is a positive story to show you how I fight this monster and stop the music looping — and the incessant dwelling on my past loves.
How to End Depression's Looping Thoughts
1. I Become Aware of My Symptoms
I know my symptoms the way I know the directions to my house. I know my every thought. From the way my vision changes and my writing evolves to the melancholy and flowery style I'm currently exploring. I write much more eloquently when I'm depressed.
So my first piece of advice to you is to learn all about your depression symptoms. You could get one of my books, or someone else's book or program that you believe in. Then, write down the symptoms, so you know what you are up against.
2. I Fight My Brain and Combine Acceptance With a Fighting Nature
Some people can be completely zen about this. I can't. I have to combine my acceptance with a fighting nature.
My depression is a vicious killer that wants me to end it all — and I will not let this happen. It's an insidious mental health condition that is a canny foe.
See, look at this weird language. I am depressed as I write this, but not enough for it to stop my day as it did yesterday. I am fighting back. I think of poetry by Dylan Thomas, “Rage, rage against the dying of the light!” and all that I have missed in life due to my bipolar, but I will not stay in that world. Depression is weird.
3. I Turn Down the External Stimulation
I have to stop listening to music and turn off the TV, but I'm not always successful in this. The TV sucks me in — especially the dark stuff — but I'm strong, and you are strong, and eventually we can get ourselves off the internet and out of the house, into the bright light of the day.
For instance, when it snows here in Portland, Oregon, it's so bright and beautiful outside. Why doesn't my brain loop on that obsessively? How about a beauty loop?
4. I Take My Medications and Reach Out to My Treatment Team
Finally, I take medications and seek help. I have to do this when I'm well, as it's often too hard when I'm depressed. We have to prepare ahead.
Many of us have a name for our depression. I've called it the “black blanket” for many years, but now, it happens less often, and I can just call it “a down mood.”
I'm not depressed for years at a time anymore. I'm sometimes depressed for a few days, but it ends. And I know what to do to stop this looping and obsessing. I use my books — they are my friends when the darkness descends. (Now I am rhyming!)
Depression Is a Part of Bipolar Disorder That We Must Accept
If you're depressed today, please remember that you're depressed because you have bipolar disorder. It's only a mental health condition. It's not who you are — and it's treatable.