A couple of months ago, I had the worst panic attack of my life (so far). One that officially took over the reigning title within a matter of seconds. It completely caught me off guard and swooped in without any regard to where I was, what I was doing, or who I was with.
If its goal was to completely debilitate me – it succeeded. Unfortunately, I've experienced plenty of panic attacks throughout the course of my life. Some so small that they came and went, and were soon forgotten about. And some that just completely sucked. But I was able to tuck it away for a while and carry on with the rest of my day.
However, this recent panic attack was different than all the rest. It's one of those you never forget because it truly felt like the end. It literally changed me in an instant and caused me to take a step back and reassess my life.
Taking a Step Back
So, I put some things on hold that I was able to. I stopped writing and blogging. Stopped obsessing if all the household chores were done. I stopped working late, and even took some time off from my day job to just simply rest and reflect. It was just what I needed, and it left me craving more. But that's a conversation for another day.
If you've never experienced a panic attack, you may be wondering “what exactly is a panic attack?” Simply stated, panic attacks are a form of anxiety that cause you to feel intense fear, even when there is no real danger present.
Also known as panic disorder, panic attacks can manifest differently from person to person. But panic attacks can also carry similar symptoms that the majority of victims encounter, such as a rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, and sweating.
What Panic Feels Like
Generally, when someone is experiencing a panic attack, they feel an overall sense of impending doom. They may even feel as though they are having a heart attack or feel like they are literally dying. And what is most interesting is that this panic can go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds.
The panic doesn't even care that you don't have the chance to properly react and instead, it instantly transports you into your fight or flight mode. For me, this is what the worst panic attack of my life was like. I keep going through the chain of events that led to the worst panic attack of my life. What caused it to occur and why was it so intense?
Overall, my mental health was the best it's been in a long time. Sure, I still experience anxiety on the regular, but I finally felt like I had a sense of control of my anxiety that I never had before. The severity of it just didn't make any sense to me.
The Panic Attack While Driving
I wasn't particularly anxious that day either. In fact, I was quite excited as I was headed to a birthday party to celebrate my nephew's birthday. Without warning, the panic hit me like a ton of bricks – all while I was driving down the interstate going a steady 75 MPH. And if you're someone who experiences panic attacks, you likely know that having one while driving is the absolute worst!
Isaac and I were 20 minutes into the drive and in the middle of an interesting conversation. I was speaking, when suddenly I felt as though I couldn't even talk. It was like my breath had instantly been sucked out of my lungs and I was no longer able to speak. At that point is when the panic began to set in.
There was a heavy discomfort in my chest, my heart was racing, and I was shaky. I literally thought I was going to pass out as it felt like my world was closing in on me. And worst of all, I was driving on a busy highway! Luckily, it wasn't the end, and I was able to overcome the attack. But for the rest of the day I felt completely detached from reality.
Reflection and Strength
After making a short stop to pick up a couple of family members, I had Isaac drive the rest of the way. However, the panic didn't stop there. While in the car and at the party, I told some of my family that I recently had a panic attack. This was the first time ever in my life that I openly told someone other than Isaac. I questioned even saying anything, but this panic attack shook me to my core.
Sometimes, I like to think back to when panic attacks weren't a part of my life. Everything seemed so carefree and there wasn't a worry in the world. But then I reflect on the saying, “what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.” For some strange, unknown reason, I was dealt the panic disorder card. Maybe it was to share my story or to help someone else.
Whatever the reason, this recent panic attack proved to me that talking about mental health is my purpose. Even out of the darkest times, we can always find growth and strength. It feels like a stretch to say I've just now experienced the worst panic attack of my life, but one thing I've come to learn is that even after years, you can still face your worst one. That doesn't mean you are weak. It means you're human, and resilience gives us a new start each day to overcome what we couldn't before.